4 Magical Questions that Will Improve Your Relationships

According to Harville and Helen, the problems you are facing with coworkers, family, and your partner stem from a cultural problem — one that wreaks havoc on all areas of our lives. Because negative relationships do just damage our own health and productivity, they have a huge long-term impact on society.

Here’s the deal:

We live in a context where if we just look out for ourselves, we go against nature. When we look out for others, it's in our best interest because that sustains the connection. So, we want to create a relational civilization - one in which all people are equal, and safe. 

Breakthroughs in neuroscience help, so we can actually be effective in helping couples. The brain needs prediction in order for it to feel safe. So this way of dialoguing helps us feel safe.

The Imago Dialogue Process is a structured conversation. The structure is key.  When couples argue, often they hurt themselves.

1) Asking "Is now a good time to have a conversation?" 

Yes, you can actually ask! Imagine that! Often, conversations start like a collision of two people who are in their own words.

If the answer is “no”, ask when are you available, which creates a promise and a predictability which creates safety—a non negotiable quality to any realtionship. (ie; I have you know that I'm with you, I won't be hurt, not even frowned at.)

2) Mirroring - "Did I get it?"

You want to be as accurate as possible because the brain wants to be mirrored. (ie: “I want to make sure I understand…”) We need to know that our partner will not hurt us.

3) Be Curious. Period. "Is there more about that?" (which is so different than "Are you done yet?"

You say it with interest, so your partner's defenses relaxes.  They know that instead of you taking the reins, you're given the reigns back.

And then you do an amazing thing called—

4) Validation  (ie: You summarize what your partner shared, you make sure you really understand which helps the partner see that they make sense. (ie:  “I can see the sense that you’re making, and I see you are totally logical”) 

The end bit:

Everyone is longing to be understood, loved and cared about it. It's being present with each other with safety, without judgement. 

It is a transformational process!!

Let me know how this goes! I think this is truly magical and I hope you will too! When you try it, let me know if worked for you? I would love your feedback.


Rachel Fleischman